Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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