You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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