Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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