my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
