So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
