you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
