Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
