Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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