Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Michael Bay diarrhea
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
