I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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