A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
