3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
40s are totally the cure
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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