You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
