She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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