spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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