I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
