This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
