Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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