Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
