I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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