He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
