Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
