Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
