mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
