Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
