He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
