dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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