dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
