you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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