Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
