omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
