Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
