If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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