Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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