They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
