wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
