How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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