im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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