I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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