First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
