Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
