Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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