She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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