I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
