I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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