im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
