Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
