Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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