I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Can I color on your dick again?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
