I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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