We won't sleep together?
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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