The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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