Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
