Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
