Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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