Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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