she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
